- Attachment theory was born with John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth and was applied to adult love in 1987 (Hazan & Shaver).
- In that classic study, around 56% of adults described themselves as securely attached; the rest were split between anxious and avoidant.
- An analysis of 43 couples studies (PNAS, 2020) found that attachment anxiety and avoidance are among the individual traits that best predict relationship quality.
- Attachment isn’t destiny: with awareness, secure relationships and support, you can become more secure.
Some people fall for whoever doesn’t text back. Others feel the urge to run the moment someone gets too close. And others simply enjoy closeness without the drama. Behind those differences lies one of the most solid theories in psychology: attachment.
What attachment is
Attachment theory was proposed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who studied how babies bond with their caregivers. The core idea: very early on, we learn whether other people will be there when we need them, and that “lesson” becomes a map we use for the rest of our lives.
In 1987, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver took the leap: they showed that those same patterns show up in adults’ romantic relationships.
The three main styles
Secure attachment
You’re comfortable with closeness and with independence. You trust your partner will be there and you can ask for what you need without fear. It doesn’t mean never having conflict, it means knowing how to repair it.
Anxious attachment
You crave a lot of closeness and fear the other person doesn’t love you as much as you love them. You check your phone, analyze every message and only feel relief when you get reassurance. You tend to fall fast and to escalate when you sense distance.
Avoidant attachment
You value your independence so much that intimacy makes you uncomfortable. When the relationship gets serious, you feel the need to pull back, find faults in the other person or retreat into work.
The most common trap: anxious + avoidant
Couples therapists often describe a dynamic many people recognize instantly: an anxious person is drawn to someone avoidant. The avoidant partner’s distance triggers the anxious partner’s anxiety, so they pursue; the pursuit triggers the avoidant partner’s need for space, so they pull away. The cycle feels like “intense chemistry,” but it’s really the attachment alarm being mistaken for love.
You’re not drawn to the person: you’re drawn to what feels familiar. And what feels familiar isn’t always what’s good for you.
The TovLov method
That’s why one of the core topics in our courses is exactly why you’re drawn to unavailable people.
What the latest science says
In 2020, a large international team of researchers published in PNAS an AI-driven analysis of 43 longitudinal couples studies from 29 labs. They wanted to know what best predicts relationship quality. Among individual traits, the most predictive were life satisfaction, negative affect, depression and, right there, attachment avoidance and anxiety. We go deeper into this study in what makes a relationship work.
How to identify your style
Ask yourself honestly:
- Do I get anxious if I don’t hear back within a few hours? (anxious sign)
- Do I feel trapped when someone wants more commitment? (avoidant sign)
- Can I say “that hurt me” without attacking or disappearing? (secure sign)
- Do available, attentive people seem “boring” to me? (warning sign)
How to become more secure (yes, it’s possible)
- Name your pattern. What you can’t see, you repeat.
- Choose secure people, even if you don’t feel “fireworks” at first. Calm isn’t boring.
- Communicate needs, not accusations: “it helps me to hear from you during the day” instead of “you never text me.”
- Tolerate the discomfort of staying when you want to run, or waiting when you want to chase.
- Lean on someone outside the relationship: a therapist, a course or a matchmaker who can see your patterns objectively.
Frequently asked questions
What are the attachment styles?
The three main adult styles are secure (comfortable with both closeness and independence), anxious (craves closeness and fears being loved less) and avoidant (values independence so much that intimacy feels uncomfortable).
What is the most common attachment style?
Secure. In Hazan and Shaver’s classic 1987 study, around 56% of adults described themselves as securely attached; the rest were split between avoidant and anxious.
Can you change your attachment style?
Yes. Naming your pattern, choosing secure people, communicating needs without blame, tolerating discomfort and leaning on someone outside the relationship (a therapist, a course or a matchmaker) all help you become more secure over time.
Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
Often it’s the anxious-avoidant dynamic: the other person’s distance triggers your anxiety, and that feels like “intense chemistry,” but it’s really the attachment alarm being mistaken for love. You’re drawn to what feels familiar, not necessarily to what’s good for you.
- Simply Psychology — Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships (Hazan & Shaver, 1987)
- Joel et al. (2020) — Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies, PNAS
TovLov TeamPersonalized matchmaking in Mexico. We research and write about relationships using official data.
