- In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron designed 36 questions that gradually build closeness between two strangers.
- Pairs who went through the 36 questions felt closer than pairs who made small talk, even when they didn’t share beliefs.
- The key isn’t the questions themselves, but reciprocal, gradual self-disclosure.
- A good first date is short, somewhere quiet, with a conversation that moves from light to personal.
Some first dates feel like a job interview, and in others three hours fly by without you noticing. The difference is almost never magic chemistry: it’s the quality of the conversation. And that can be designed.
The 36 questions experiment
In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his team published a study with a bold question: can you create closeness between two strangers in a lab? They designed 36 questions in three sets of increasing depth and asked pairs of students to take turns asking them for about 45 minutes.
The result: pairs who went through the 36 questions reported far more closeness than pairs who chatted about superficial topics. The effect held even between people who didn’t share beliefs or attitudes, and even when they didn’t expect it to work. The authors themselves cautioned that closeness isn’t the same as commitment or loyalty, which take time. But the door opens.
Why it works
Because of two mechanisms psychology knows well:
- Reciprocal self-disclosure: when I share something personal and you respond with something equally personal, trust is built.
- Gradual escalation: nobody opens up all at once. The questions deepen little by little, which makes it feel natural.
Questions for your first date
You don’t need to ask all 36 or bring a printed list. These, inspired by the study and ordered from lighter to deeper, work really well:
To break the ice
- If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would you choose?
- What would a perfect day look like for you?
- What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done yet?
To really get to know each other
- What in your life do you feel most grateful for?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- Which accomplishment makes you proudest?
Once it’s flowing
- If you knew you had one year left to live, would you change anything about how you live?
- What did you learn from your last relationship?
- How do you picture your life in five years?
8 keys to a first date that connects
- Short, with an easy exit: a coffee, a drink or an hour-long walk. If it flows, it’ll stretch on its own.
- A quiet place: if you have to shout to hear each other, there’s no conversation.
- Phone away. Full presence is the greatest compliment.
- From light to personal, never the other way around.
- Curiosity over impressing. People remember how you made them feel, not your résumé.
- Observe, don’t just listen: how they treat the waiter, how they talk about their past, whether they ask you questions back. We cover what to look for in green flags and red flags.
- Be clear about your intention, without pressure: “I’m looking for something serious” is attractive, not intimidating, to the right person.
- Close honestly: if you want to see them again, say so. If not, thank them and be clear.
The setting does some of the talking
A deep conversation is much easier when the environment helps: little noise, good lighting and people who arrive with the same intention. That’s why at TovLov events we take care with the venue, the number of guests and the dynamic. They’re not generic parties: they’re spaces designed to move conversation from small talk to something real.
Frequently asked questions
What are the 36 questions to fall in love?
They’re 36 questions designed by psychologist Arthur Aron in 1997, split into three sets that grow progressively deeper, to build closeness between two strangers who take turns asking them for about 45 minutes.
Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?
They’re proven to build closeness, but they don’t guarantee love or commitment. The authors themselves noted that loyalty and commitment take time and shared experiences.
What should you talk about on a first date?
Move from light to personal: start with easy questions (a perfect day, something you’ve always wanted to do), continue with values and gratitude, and once the conversation flows, talk about lessons learned and the future. Answer too: openness has to go both ways.
How long should a first date last?
Ideally something short with an easy exit: a coffee, a drink or a walk of about an hour. If it flows, it’ll stretch on its own.
- Greater Good in Action, UC Berkeley — 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness (Aron et al., 1997)
TovLov TeamPersonalized matchmaking in Mexico. We research and write about relationships using official data.
